Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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