alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
