I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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