Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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