He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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