Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
