it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
