The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
