i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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