my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need a beard to bite.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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