I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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