Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Did I show you my penis last night?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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