I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
