I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
