did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
