If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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