i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
