she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
