the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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