Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
