If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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