in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
