I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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