This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize