I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
