Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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