Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
