Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
