Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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