So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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