A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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