Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
