last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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