Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize