I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
