Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
