walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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