I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
