I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
