drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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