That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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