Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
