I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
