quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
