Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
