My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
