New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
