There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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