i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it hurts more in the daytime
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
