I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
