ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I lost the right to judge tonight
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
