just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
