I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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