I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dear god my vagina.
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