I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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