Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
