drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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